Super Ma...Stressed out Ma?

Day one, farming with the little one, kind of...
Aya slept through the seeding of nine plug trays of tomatoes today. Not a huge test in my multitasking prowess, warming up slow...Which leads me to the question how can you be a Mom who is not a super mom?  I mean, how can a mama feed the heart and soul of herself, her children, her relationships and her home without being a non stop, multitasking, filled to the brim with never ending tasks kind of Woman?  And what does that in itself do to the heart and soul?

This question comes to me from a few different angles.  I started this post yesterday and laughed at myself this morning as I thought about the couple of lines that I wrote.  So telling of a huge part of me, a piece that wants to push myself to a point of almost breaking, but collecting the all the particles before completely loosing form.  I was almost feeling guilty that day one went so easily, that I didn't have to struggle or reconnoiter over and over. (As if those challenges will be void from this whole experience!)  A strange self torture that, now that I am looking at it head on, is a pretty common theme in my life, my path, but does it have to be? and what would I look like if it didn't?

As far as I can tell, this must have all started when I went on a month long NOLS trip at age 18.  A trip that changed my life forever, brought me back to my true spirit and instilled a lot of amazing self awareness, self confidence and evidently some self masochistic tendencies!  I suppose hiking for days on end in waist deep snow without a bath to wipe away the day can build up some interesting patterning...  The thread of this tendency strikes like a taut string in the evolutionary web of myself and my path the 13 years since that trip. From hiking alone in remote rainforest, through thick mud with too much on my back, crossing rivers up to my waist and forcing myself deeper in, to taking rides from bizarre and potentially detrimental people while hitchhiking solo all over the world.  I used to call it bravery and now, from the perspective of a mother who can picture her own daughters taking such risks, seems nothing short of pure stupidity.  And, at the same time, those experiences make me who I am and I wouldn't give any of them back for the world.  Not for the 30 ornithologists at the end of the trail counting how many species of tropical birds they saw for the Audobon's Christmas bird count or the complete relief of finally getting out of the car with all my parts and my belongings in tact.  The parts I would give up are needing to push to such extremes to know myself fully and how the stress affects my body and more importantly, the people that I love.

The part of my body that I notice being most affected by this lately is my head,  the  migraines every 2-3 days telling me I am not getting enough, most likely at this point, not enough sleep, but also quite possibly nutrition, exercise, deep relaxation and cultivation.  My partner severely broke his leg three weeks before Aya was born.  He has been pretty much laid up since, although, thankfully he is able to be up and about for longer stints lately before his leg gets too swollen to stand.  Regardless, this has left me, the past couple weeks since the amazing grandmothers left, to keep most of our lives in order.  Although this is stressful, and exhausting, at times I feel good about how much I can push myself to do, how many more loads of laundry can I fit in before completely crashing?  Apparently my ego has intentions to push me to a breaking point...strange.

The reason I am actually sharing this somewhat dark side of myself is because the more I think about it and look at it, these tendencies play a pretty large part in a lot of the disfunction within my relationships, both intimate and casual, on and off the farm.  My need to get as much done as possible, no matter what the casualties, I think I need a new way of calculating success...Not by how much, but perhaps just how things are done.   I've heard it so many times before, "its about the process, not the product" but with someone else housing, paying and offering me the opportunity to live through the dream I have been conjuring for so many years, how can I not work my tail off to make the farm as productive as it possibly can be?  Wouldn't I be cheating the spirit which has woven all this together, and the external players which have offered the anchors from which to weave if I didn't?  The balance of this productiveness, beauty and grace is what I wish to explore and what will hopefully come forth partially through the engagement with this blog, any insights gladly accepted!

Here we go!

BabyOnHerBack will follow me, and my children, through our adventures on the farm that I manage here in Taos, NM.  I have a four year old, Wren, who is quickly becoming an old hat on the farm scene.  In the past she has mostly spent time harvesting with me, lots of veggies and flowers and also sussing out strawberries and raspberries to enjoy along the way.  We now have a new addition to our family, Aya, who just racked up an entire month of life and who will be spending much of her next few years on my back or at my tow on the farm, if all goes according to plan...Ha!

Wren and a bunch of zukes

A large reason that I am starting this blog is to become a better Farmer Ma ie. learning to farm better while maintaining a healthy relationship with my kids by becoming more adept at incorporating them into the farm work with out loosing my cool.  On a good day, I have been able to have Wren by my side, encouraging her inquiry and inspiration through the life that proliferates all around this gorgeous landscape.  She has an amazing aptitude for remembering plant names and I try to fill those compartments to the brim with other little plant facts that come to mind while strolling around the farm yard.  On a not so good day, I am frustrated and uptight about how she may engage with the plants; stepping on, pulling up, bending of and all together acting her age but not always fulfilling my sometimes rigid needs for things to maintain a specific order.  Perhaps some of you moms can relate?  So, here I am, wanting to be a better Ma Farmer, wanting to have many more of those "good days" and to figure out ways to turn the beginnings of those "bad days" into productive AND meaningful experiences for me and my girls.

The arrival of the new baby coupled with the need and desire to keep on working makes this awareness of myself even more important to work on.  I am in the market for some like minded and motivated mamas to perhaps gain some insight myself into how to live this ideal farm life, which I can see in my minds eye, but can't, for some reason (???) always translate into reality.  As well as asking for input from any of you out there in blog world, I also hope to encourage and inspire mamas out there to attempt to live out your dreams with a "baby on your back" regardless of how impossible it may seem at times.  The greatest piece of advice that I have given my own self is, as a mom, to never doubt myself, to never assume that I can not do what it is I want to do just because there may be a little girl who needs me to do something else, sometime, in the middle of whatever it is I may be attempting to accomplish.